Being a mother to a child that suffers from major depression and social disorder isn’t easy. Especially one who has attempted suicide. When I’m at work, she sends me messages throughout the day that honestly, it distracts me, places me on edge, because I never know what will come from her.
To be honest, I enjoy going to a job, that I hate only because I get to breathe little sigh of relief, for a little while. I keep my phone near me always, and when it rings or vibrates, I hold my breath. I never know what type of call or message I’ll receive. When I recognize that it’s her, I close my eyes and my heart skips a beat. It’s hard. I feel like I’m on the roller coaster with her and the only way I can leave, is if I leave her behind. I want to get off, but then I feel that I’m abandoning her. I feel like for her to breathe, I must deprive myself of oxygen.
I want to get off the roller coaster. Am I selfish? To most, perhaps I am. But what you don’t know is …. I have other children who need me too. If I’m spending most of my time with her, the others feel the effects of it. I sometimes barely have enough energy for me…her, let alone the rest of them. I want to get off the roller coaster.
I coast most days. I put on an act just, so I can get through the day. Truth is, by the time I hit my home. I sit in my driveway, for about 5-10 minutes, just to regroup. I enter my home and immediately, I am faced with having to do my final show of the day….Engaging a child who barely wants to engage, other children who want to do fun stuff and a husband who can immediately sense that his wife wants an escape- so he goes above and beyond to get me anything I need/want just to see me smile, while I’m trying HARD to make our child smile.
I want to get off the roller coaster. See, for me…. I suffer from anxiety and I work hard to keep that demon at bay. I read only positive affirmations, I pray, daily, multiple times throughout. I’m successful most of the time… But there are days where I……. I want to escape. I want to pull the covers over my head and simply, escape.
I want to get off the roller coaster. But each time, I try…I think about what I’m leaving behind… I want to get off the roller coaster……But each time I try, I can feel a strong tug and I immediately feel myself weakening… I want to get off the roller coaster……But each time I try, I feel like a monster for wanting a break from this harsh reality… I want to get off the roller coaster, but each time I try… I feel cold as if life is literally leaving my body… I want to get off the roller coaster, I ask God why I am faced with this situation. Why am I struggling in this way, what could I possibly be teaching other people if I’m feeling this way about my own child.
I want to get off the roller coaster, but each time I try… I feel cold as if life is literally leaving my body. I want to get off the roller coaster…...But if I do... I’ll leave my whole heart behind.
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