Being a mother to a child that suffers from major depression and social disorder isn’t easy. Especially one who has attempted suicide. When I’m at work, she sends me messages throughout the day that honestly, it distracts me, places me on edge, because I never know what will come from her.
To be honest, I enjoy going to a job, that I hate only because I get to breathe little sigh of relief, for a little while. I keep my phone near me always, and when it rings or vibrates, I hold my breath. I never know what type of call or message I’ll receive. When I recognize that it’s her, I close my eyes and my heart skips a beat. It’s hard. I feel like I’m on the roller coaster with her and the only way I can leave, is if I leave her behind. I want to get off, but then I feel that I’m abandoning her. I feel like for her to breathe, I must deprive myself of oxygen.
I want to get off the roller coaster. Am I selfish? To most, perhaps I am. But what you don’t know is …. I have other children who need me too. If I’m spending most of my time with her, the others feel the effects of it. I sometimes barely have enough energy for me…her, let alone the rest of them. I want to get off the roller coaster.
I coast most days. I put on an act just, so I can get through the day. Truth is, by the time I hit my home. I sit in my driveway, for about 5-10 minutes, just to regroup. I enter my home and immediately, I am faced with having to do my final show of the day….Engaging a child who barely wants to engage, other children who want to do fun stuff and a husband who can immediately sense that his wife wants an escape- so he goes above and beyond to get me anything I need/want just to see me smile, while I’m trying HARD to make our child smile.
I want to get off the roller coaster. See, for me…. I suffer from anxiety and I work hard to keep that demon at bay. I read only positive affirmations, I pray, daily, multiple times throughout. I’m successful most of the time… But there are days where I……. I want to escape. I want to pull the covers over my head and simply, escape.
I want to get off the roller coaster. But each time, I try…I think about what I’m leaving behind… I want to get off the roller coaster……But each time I try, I can feel a strong tug and I immediately feel myself weakening… I want to get off the roller coaster……But each time I try, I feel like a monster for wanting a break from this harsh reality… I want to get off the roller coaster, but each time I try… I feel cold as if life is literally leaving my body… I want to get off the roller coaster, I ask God why I am faced with this situation. Why am I struggling in this way, what could I possibly be teaching other people if I’m feeling this way about my own child.
I want to get off the roller coaster, but each time I try… I feel cold as if life is literally leaving my body. I want to get off the roller coaster…...But if I do... I’ll leave my whole heart behind.
A man bound by the hands and feet, cannot free himself. He must be helped by a person that is unbound. The bound cannot help the bound; the rescuer must be liberated. ~Author Unknown
If you want to associate this to scripture…..Ecclesiastes 4:9-11 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?
It’s OK to ask for help. It’s OK to help. Though we are not meant to be alone, we are also not meant to be around people who have no desire to be free. The inability to release is like being bound by the hands and feet….You cannot free yourself. It WILL require for you to TRUST God and allow HIM to bring who/what you need on this journey. I prayed and asked God to give me the strength to follow the plan HE has for my life. To not become distracted when people choose to look at my past instead of my present. The reality is I cannot change my past and to be honest, I wouldn’t anyway. My story…..The one told by me and not by those who added words to it, will make you a believer…HE did it for me and HE’ll do the same for you… but YOU have to release it all to HIM. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. #Godfirst #Release #NewAdventureSameJourney
God reminded me this morning of my Praise. 4 weeks ago, my husband I were faced with a horrible situation……The end result could’ve been deadly for one of our children, BUT GOD! The way HE stepped in and calmed those raging waters…..The way HE asked of me to go about my days as normal, so that HE could work. The Strength that I never knew I had…..I found in HIM…..The way HE allowed me to release it ALL unto HIM… The way HE allowed me to RELEASE that control that I thought I had…..HE allowed me to see that HE is in total control…The way HE allowed HIS strong soldier to cry for HELP and sent the APPOINTED people to rally around me to LIFT me up in MY time of despair….The Way HE instructed me to only inform CERTAIN people to re-establish the connection that I had put down, when HE needed ME to PICK IT UP….HE reminded me this morning that WE could’ve been grieving parents right now, either making burial arrangements or feeling the effects of having just laying one of our children to rest. I say that to say, we serve a mighty God! And if you ever wonder why I’m so “ON Jesus” I have SEVERAL REASONS. As I mentioned previously, I have a story that if you’ll allow ME to tell it, instead of listening to the people who desire to tarnish my name…..IT WILL make you a BELIEVER of God!
Oh-Don’t inbox me asking what happened…Ask ME WHY I DON’T LOOK LIKE WHAT WE JUST WENT THROUGH! I’ll tell you the full story about that, if YOU are ready!
#Godfirst #EverywhereIGO #ItakeMyJesus #WithME #GloryToGod #HeFoundMEWorthy #NewadventureSAMEJourney # everytime you look up you see me winning
This morning in my quiet time. I was instructed to pray for a certain individual. Once I prayed for them, God said, clearly. There will be people who will see you, with people that they regard of high value. They’ll wonder why YOU sit amongst them. Don’t pay any attention to them. Instead, continue to walk upright, the way I have desired you too. Continue to speak the way I have commanded you to speak. Keep your eyes on me. Moving in the way, I have commanded you to go. These people will ask of those people they believe should sit in high honor, why they choose to eat/sit amongst people like YOU. YOU should make your seat known by your actions NOW and not how you WERE, quit displaying those old, familiar ways/habits. Instead, stand upright, refrain from old talks, old ways-Set yourself apart from that. Do not be tempted by evil doers, those who are still lost in their way….seek your exit.
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